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  • [first lines, as the big-band music of "Jingle Bells" begins playing from the title card, exploding it up, typing it in, saying, "CHRISTMAS EVE 1800 HOURS", fading in, zooming in the snowman, popping his head with a pipe, looking around, looking at Mason and Phil stacking their cans, knocking it down, then Alex plugs his lights on Melman, then the music stops, zooming into a polar bear, then the music continues playing, with camels with candles, with elephants with trunks shape like a heart, then the music stops, zooming back into a polar bear, sighing]
  • Private: He looks so sad.
  • Skipper: Rico! I want that tree up to muster.
  • [Rico uses his knives to cut the ice cube to form into a tree]
  • Skipper: Check! Kowalski, what's the status on the approved musical selection?
  • Kowalski: Scheduled to begin, now.
  • [the music of "Jingle, Jingle, Jingle" plays]
  • Skipper: Excelente! Right on track.
  • Private: Skipper!
  • Skipper: Figgy pudding at 1900 hours. Yule log to commence on my mark. Engage!
  • Kowalski: [turns the TV on, with a fire crackling from a fireplace] Yule log engaged.
  • Skipper: Checkamundo!
  • Private: Skipper!
  • Skipper: Eggnog at 2100 hours. Writing our names in the snow at 2105. [walks away]
  • Private: Skipper!
  • Skipper: What is it, Private?
  • Private: Ted the polar bear is all alone this holiday, and he seems so sad. Could we bring him a present to cheer him up?
  • Skipper: Kowalski!
  • Kowalski: [uses an abacus] Negative, Skipper. We have four presents, and there are four of us.
  • Private: We can go and get him something.
  • Skipper: Sorry, Private, no can do.
  • Private: But no one should be sad and alone on Christmas.
  • Skipper: Exactly, so throw those troubles away and be merry. Pronto!
  • Private: But, Skipper.
  • Skipper: That's an order, mister. All right, boys, stand by for eggnog.
  • Kowalski: Aye, aye, Skipper.
  • Rico: Eggnog!
  • Skipper: Private?
  • Private: I'll pass, thank you.
  • Rico: Eggnog, eggnog!
  • [Private takes out a piggybank like a hippo, taking a quarter out, putting in his pocket]
  • All: Go, go, go, go! Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
  • Skipper: Well done, Rico! That guy can really hold is nog.
  • [Private goes inside, then cut to the clock, spinning hands, pointing at 9:10]
  • Skipper: 2110 hours, boys. Engage cranberries. Rico! Not at the table. Hold on a second. Something's missing.
  • Kowalski: Cranberries, check. Eggnog, check.
  • Skipper: Give me a head count.
  • Kowalski: [grabs abacus] We have three heads, sir.
  • Skipper: Where's the private?
  • Kowalski: Unknown, sir. It would appear that he's missing.
  • Skipper: [shows milk cartoon with a big "MISSING" advert for the private] Missing? Hoover Dam! Wait. There he is. [shows a bowling pin sleeping in a bed with a blanket] He just went to bed. [takes the blanket away from the bowling pin, then Rico shakes his head] What the... [grabs the bowling pin with a face on it, slapping it up] What have you done with Private? Talk, mister!
  • Kowalski: Skipper! Over here.
  • Skipper: [to bowling pin] I'll deal with you later. [slaps his face on the bowling pin]
  • Kowalski: Oh, no! He must be out there all by himself.
  • Skipper: He's one of us, men. You all know the penguin credo.
  • Kowalski: "Never bathe in hot oil and Bisquick"?
  • Skipper: No!
  • [Rico speaks in Japanese gibberish]
  • Skipper: No! That's the walrus credo. It's "Never swim alone." Private's out there all by himself. And we never leave one of our own.
  • Kowalski: Oh, yeah.
  • Skipper: Now let's go!
  • [cut outside, with the people walking by with the feet, with Private looking out]
  • Private: [walking down] Oh! That's perfect! Just the thing for a sad polar bear. [climbs up, looking at the Christmas trees]
  • [the penguins look around, getting out of the sewer, kicking the lid off]
  • Skipper: Kowalski?
  • [the lid lands on the ground]
  • Skipper: Analysis.
  • Kowalski: Adrenalin sweating sardines. These tracks are fresh, sir.
  • Skipper: He's close. I can feel it.
  • [they all look, taking a binoculars out]
  • Old Lady: What kind of cut-rate junk is this? It's lousy workmanship is what it is.
  • Kowalski: [zooms at Old Lady] We may have a problem.
  • Old Lady: [rips the plush toy] Junk! These are no good at all! Junk!
  • Skipper: We need to get closer. 10:00, men. Blend, blend, blend!
  • [they all walk in line, then they look at Old Lady]
  • Old Lady: Ha! So, this is where you're hiding all the good stuff!
  • Skipper: He's in trouble!
  • Rico: [spits the dynamite out] Kaboom.
  • Skipper: Stand down, soldier. We're in observation mode.
  • Old Lady: Now, this is workmanship. So, where's the goshdarn squeaker on this thing? It's got to have a squeaker. [squeezes Private, farting] Now, that's more like it. Hey, stupid! I want this one.
  • Skipper: Grand Coulee dam!
  • Old Lady: Where's my change?!
  • Skipper: Private's been captured!
  • Old Lady: Taxi!
  • [the taxi stops]
  • Skipper: Not on my watch, blue hair. Kowalski!
  • [Kowalski puts the trash can lid down, grappling on a taxi car, driving down, sliding on a road, like wakeboarding]
  • Man: Hey, I'm walking here!
  • [the penguins continue wakeboarding, flying up, spinning around, sliding down on a snow, looking at Old Lady]
  • Old Lady: I got a tip for you. Drop dead! [closes the taxi door, driving away]
  • Doorman: Good evening, ma'am. Merry Christmas to you.
  • Old Lady: Buzz off! [punches Doorman, walking in]
  • Kowalski: Skipper, how are we gonna get inside?
  • Rico: [lights the dynamite] Kaboom, kaboom.
  • Skipper: I got a better idea. [puts the fire off the dynamite]
  • Doorman: Oh, that's gonna hurt.
  • [the snowman walks to Doorman, holding a dollar]
  • Doorman: [takes a dollar] Very generous, sir. You have a merry Christmas.
  • Skipper: Hold that elevator!
  • Private: Skipper!
  • Skipper: Private! Step on it, Kowalski.
  • [Old Lady presses a 13 button from the elevator, walking down to Old Lady in the elevator, crashing into the doors, then they all look at the arrow pointing to 13, then they look at the mail]
  • Skipper: What comes down must go up.
  • Kowalski: Skipper.
  • [Skipper looks at a vacuum cleaner]
  • Skipper: All right, men, commence Operation Special Delivery.
  • [Kowalski plugs the vacuum cleaner in, then Rico turns the vacuum cleaner on, then they put their stamps on, throwing Skipper and Private in the vacuum cleaner, then Rico jumps in the vacuum cleaner, then they all go up, with Old Lady walking in, hopping from wall to wall, then they walk to a door closing with Old Lady going in, locking the door]
  • Skipper: Shiitake mushrooms! No more Mr. Cute-and-Cuddly.
  • Rico: [lights the match] Kaboom, kaboom, kaboom!
  • Skipper: Rico, enough with the dynamite already.
  • Old Lady: [wraps Private] Why does Christmas have to be every year? What a pain in the... [cuts the thread] The tape, it's so sticky. [puts a stamp on Private, saying, "TO: MR. CHEW FROM: MOMMY"] There we go! Oh, you'll make such a nice Christmas present for my Mr. Chew. [takes Private] Oh, now, Mr. Chew, you have to wait until morning to open your present. Yes, you do. Who is mommy's big boy? Who is he?
  • [Mr. Chew growls at Private in a Christmas sock, shaking the Alex stuffed toy, tearing the head out, zooming in the head, then the dog starts eating Private's Christmas sock while Private's in it]
  • Private: [whimpering] Nice doggy! Good doggy! [whimpering] No, good boy. Down, down. Don't eat me. No. No, good boy. No.
  • [Mr. Chew comes closer to Private, starting to panic]
  • Private: Leave me alone. Don't eat me! [screaming]
  • [Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico break in through a window, landing safely on the table]
  • Skipper: Santa Claus has come to town.
  • Private: Oh, Skipper!
  • [Mr. Chew lets go of the Christmas sock, flying Private up in slow motion, landing on a Christmas star]
  • Private: Help me, guys!
  • Skipper: Kowalski, secure the private.
  • Kowalski: I'm on it.
  • [Mr. Chew barks at Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico]
  • Skipper: Watch your back. Canine, 2:00.
  • Kowalski: I'm gonna need some cover fire.
  • Skipper: Rico!
  • [Rico jumps on a bowl glass, putting candies in his mouth, then they put the table down, breaking the bowl, then Skipper grabs Rico from a gun, cocking it, shooting candies at Mr. Chew]
  • Skipper: Kowalski, status?
  • Kowalski: I'm almost there, Skipper.
  • [Rico continues shooting candies at Mr. Chew from the gun, cocking it, then Mr. Chew charges at Skipper and Rico, throwing it up on a Christmas tree, grabbing the lights, knocking the table]
  • Skipper: Let him have it, Rico. [throws an ornament on the rug, breaking it]
  • [they all throw ornaments on the ground, breaking everywhere, throwing at Mr. Chew, catapulting Private, taking his thread and bow off]
  • TV Announcer: Ryan takes the snap. He drops back into the pocket.
  • [Private flies in a window, knocking the food down]
  • TV Announcer: Oh! What a hit! Ryan is down!
  • [they all look at Private wearing a chicken]
  • Skipper: Holy butterball!
  • TV Announcer: There's a loose ball on the field!
  • [Mr. Chew charges at Private]
  • Private: No! Don't eat me!
  • Skipper: Kowalski, give me options.
  • [Private continues running around]
  • Kowalski: [writes it down] Skipper.
  • Skipper: Excelente! Engage Operation Stocking Stuffer. [slides on a zipline, whistling, then Mr. Chew charges at Skipper, flying in slow motion, licking the candy cane, putting the candy cane on Mr. Chew, then they use the thread at Mr. Chew, throwing Mr. Chew on a Christmas star, catapulting Mr. Chew into a picture fame, dropping in a Christmas sock]
  • TV Announcer: At the 5. Gets into the end zone all by himself! Ryan drops back and fires a hail Mary downfield. Oh, he scores, Rigby! Oh, what a play!
  • Skipper: High five. Low five. Down low. Too slow! I think our work here is done.
  • [they all walk to the door]
  • Skipper: Rico! [as Rico holds an anvil above the elderly lady's head] She didn't see anything.
  • [Rico drops the anvil down on the floor]
  • TV Announcer: And that's the game, ladies and gentlemen.
  • Skipper: Let's blow this popsicle stand, boys.
  • Rico: [takes a dynamite out with a match] Kaboom?
  • Skipper: Yes, Rico. Kaboom.
  • [the dynamite explodes the wall, letting the door fall down]
  • Skipper: Come on, boys.
  • Old Lady: Ah! What is all this?! Mr. Chew, this is all your fault! Bad dog! You are on a big time-out!
  • [cut outside]
  • Private: Thanks for rescuing me, Skipper.
  • Skipper: Think nothing of it, young Private. It's the least we could do. You remember the penguin credo.
  • Private: What does deep-frying in Bisquick have to do with any of this?
  • Skipper: Not that one, the other one! "Never swim alone"! Alone! On Christmas! Don't you get it? Come on, people, do I have to explain this to everybody?
  • Private: Poor Ted. He's all alone on Christmas, with no one to swim with.
  • Skipper: It's not too late, young Private. I've got a new plan to fit him in.
  • [camera zooms in a snowman]
  • All: [singing] Fa la la la la, la la la la!
  • Ted: You guys! Seriously, this is the best Christmas I've ever had.
  • Skipper: Well, there it is, then, merry Christmas for everyone.
  • [they all hear a door bell ringing]
  • Skipper: What the... Who could that be?
  • Ted: Oh, I hope you don't mind. I invited a few friends over.
  • Skipper: What?!
  • [last lines]
  • All: ♪Jingle bells, monkey smells, Melman laid an egg! Marty thinks that Alex stinks, and the camels say, "Oy vey!"♪
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